I don’t know if it’s the start of the new year, or the full moon, or my age, or that I’m a Libra searching for balance in my life – or a combination of all of the above – but I find myself gravitating toward that which I have spent the past twenty years avoiding: making resolutions. Knowing myself as I do, I have insisted that resolutions were definitely not for me. In my mind, I would be setting myself up for failure by choosing goals that were too lofty, rigid, or numerous, thus making them unattainable. In reality, I think I shied away from resolutions simply because I was afraid of being vulnerable and failing. I was afraid that I would grow tired or bored of my goals and give up. I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough drive to see them through. Let’s face it, it’s easier to just not try than have to accept failure. (Oh, the fragile psyche!)
So, here I am, at the start of a new year, reflecting on my life as it is, and wanting to do something different. It’s not to say that I’m unhappy, because I love my husband and children very much and we have a good life. But I feel unbalanced, personally, and it’s unsettling. Something’s . . . off. And it isn’t as though this is out of the blue. It’s been simmering for years and it’s finally come to a boil. In simplest terms, I guess I just need to find something that will fuel my creativity and give me joy. But, what? How?
Yesterday, I came across my favorite quote that prompted me to want to jump out of my boiling pot of insecurities and take the leap into the unknown:
“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” ~ John Wayne
I smiled as a feeling of warmth and urgency came over me. And now I know what I want to do. I want to combine my love of writing and photography and finding beauty in the chaos. So, here’s my plan:
Learn how to use this:
by using this:
and posting my progress on this:
My only goal is to open myself up to this new experience and see what happens. Whether it takes me twenty weeks or a year, I don’t care. (It’s actually rather liberating to say that!) It’s as if I’ve been groping blindly through a mine shaft for who-knows-how-long only to discover that the light on my helmet works and there’s a chisel and hammer in my hands. It’s dark. It’s unknown. It’s scary. But I have a guiding light and tools to use. I might come across nothing – or I might discover a gem. Who knows?
But I’m willing to give it a try.